From complacent to creative

I guess it's going to take a little longer than I thought to go from complacent to creative. Or maybe it will require some time away from home at either a Starbucks or the library to actually sit and really write something. But I'd really rather be napping.

It's like the chicken or the egg conundrum. I am too tired to go to the gym. But would I be less tired tomorrow if I went to the gym today? Maybe the mom-thing has become an excuse for complacency. Or maybe it's fear, the same fear that has kept me from ever really becoming a professional writer. I like to be good at things and no matter how well you write something there will always be someone who doesn't like it or there will always be a way to have written in better.

I will never forget what happened during a class I took from Tobias Wolff, a famous writer who now teaches at Stanford. He was reading us his own, amazing short story and he literally cringed and quivered and rolled his eyes mid sentence. He stopped reading, looked up and said that he really hated that part of the story and he wished he could change it. Being published meant putting something out in the world - something personal that could always be better but at some point you are just done. It made me realize if he isn't happy with his writing, if he is embarrassed by something he wrote as he sits in front of hundreds of students who would probably kill their parents, or at the very least a siblingm to be him, then there was much more to being a writer than I realized. It was as much about talent as being able to put it all out there and not be afraid to be imperfect or disliked.

When it comes to most things in my life, I really don't care too much what people think. I guess that's what going through cancer at 19 can do to you. You don't like how I look, or what I said, well so what - I am supposed to be dead. But insecurities creep up on me like anyone else. And writing is probably something that is far more important to me than I ever admit. If everyone was meant to be something then I was probably meant to be a writer. I guess I was just always waiting for my time.

Its funny but I remember reading books when I was 10 or so thinking that one day I would be a writer too. But then I thought, I can't be a writer because people usually write about awful things that happen to them, and nothing awful has ever happened to me. And then cancer happened. Thanks. I tried to write about cancer, even worked with a writer when I was in Austin who helped me get some chapters together. But then I got to the point where I didn't want cancer to define me. Cancer happened at such a critical time in my life that it very easily could have. I met many young adults through my work at the Lance Armstrong Foundation who dedicated their professional and personal lives to cancer. And I have so much respect for them, but I needed to be someone else.

I realize now I can't be complacent and wait forever. With two young children, there will always be a reason not to write. I guess that's why I decided not to nap today because maybe it will help me write something better tomorrow.